What the HECK?
by Nithela
Summary: Ironhide should really learn to listen when Ratchet tells him to do something. Unfortumately, he doesn't, and is now stuck in his holoform. Prepare for unusal observations and just a.. huge pinch of chaos. Rating WILL increase, a pairing later on. OC free


**Wohoo! I came up with this while standing in the shower, and decided to give it a try. I have a feeling that this i going to be a real multichapter fic... Movieverse (I've only seen the first season of G1 so far, so I'll stay to the movie until I feel a little bit more confident).  
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**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Warnings: So far, only language. But the rating will increase in later chapters.**

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"I did _what?"_

"Stop shouting! My audio receptors _are_ functioning!"

Ratchet bent over the huge, black-painted heap of metal in front of him, examining it while trying not to care about the infuriated rants coming from the figure on the floor beside him.

"Well, undo it!"

"I'm afraid I can't."

_"WHAT?!"_

Ratchet let go of the arm he was examining with an irritated growl, finally looking down at the person.

"Please Ironhide, just shut it and let me finish! I can't do anything about it _yet_. Your body needs lots of recharge before I can even begin to fix it."

The human on the floor crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at the medic, who continued with the examination.

"Look, it's your fault that it got this way in the first place. I told you, you don't get enough recharge, but _no…_ You go and make your holo do some target-practicing when you should be resting, and this is how it goes!"

Prime, who had been watching the scene from the doorway, finally stepped forward.

"What exactly happened to him?"

Ratchet looked at their leader as he approached them, and Ironhide's holo tilted his head upwards to do the same.

"It seems like… when he got out of power, his mind somehow jumped over to the holo. It certainly seems to have his _charming_ characteristics…"

Ironhide gave the mech a death-glare, but Ratchet merely poked at a spot on the unmoving body in front of him.

"And this component is still active, meaning he keeps storing data."

He looked at Prime with a slightly disbelieving expression.

"It's like he's gone into what humans call comatose, but has created a substitute body while he's offline."

"If we just put me back in there…" Ironhide began, but the medic shook his head.

"Your body needs rest, and a forced mind transfer will both take time to prepare and be even more tiring. If we try too soon, the same thing will happen again."

Both Optimus and Ratchet looked down at Ironhide, both seeming thoughtful.

"What now?"

"He'll be human for a while, that's all."

"Um…"

"So what do we do with him?"

"I don't know."

"He'll need nutrition."

"Guys..?"

"And a bathroom."

"Overall, human-sized accommodations."

"We can't afford stepping on him."

"I'm still here, you know!"

"It'd be troublesome for him to live here."

"_You're throwing__ me __OUT__?!"_

"Volume!" Both mechs said sharply, making Ironhide snarl at them. He walked over to himself and gave the metal a hard kick. It only took a moment before his mouth opened widely in a silent roar of pain and his eyes got teary. Optimus and Prime looked down at their agonized comrade in puzzlement, and Ironhide bit his lip while he cradled his sore foot in his hands, balancing on one unsteady leg.

"I have a fitting name…" he groaned out between gritted teeth. The other's had a hard time not to hurt his self-esteem any more by laughing, but they were sure they blew some circuits in their attempts to contain it.

William Lennox was brushing his teeth when somebody knocked on the door. He waited with the toothbrush still in his mouth, listening for any sounds of footsteps heading for the hallway, but there was none. He spat the white foam out, wiped his face on a towel and went to see who it was. When he opened, he was met by a tall man that was giving him the most intensive stare he had ever seen before.

"Hello." He said hesitantly after several seconds of said stare accompanied by a pressing silence that made him nervous.

"I've just had the worst day of my life." The stranger said, bending his head down and directing his gaze to the doorpost instead. Will didn't know what to do.

"That's… bad?"

Mr. Stranger nodded slowly.

"You have no idea. First I was humiliated by both Ratchet and Optimus, and then they _carried_ me around before they had the time to drive me here. 'Could step on you' – my aft!"

Will was awestruck.

"Ratchet? Optimus? _The Autobots?_ " He said, voice going shriller by every word. The stranger grimaced.

"Yeah… "

Then he looked at Will again with the expression of dawning realization.

"Oh. I'm Ironhide."

_That_ made William stare right back up at the man in front of him (it wasn't a big difference, but still).

"_Ironhide?"_

"Yep, 25-foot tall weapons-specialist." Ironhide said, scratching his chin absent-mindedly. "And there's a tiny problem, well, besides this."

He gestured down at himself. Will nodded, still completely blown away. He had seen the holograms that the Autobots could produce, but this was different in some way. Something was… off. Wrong. Or maybe just too right.

"I'm kind of stuck into this form for a while and I need a place to stay at." Ironhide said.

William heard the sounds of movement coming from the bedroom and put a finger in the air as a sign for Ironhide to wait with any further explanations.

"Hold it right there… _Baby?_ There's someone here, make sure to get dressed!" He called out behind himself. When he turned back to Ironhide, the man/Autobot's eyebrows were slightly raised. He looked amused, and Will cleared his throat.

"Well, err, she's got the habit to… oh, wait a second! Why am I telling you this?"

Ironhide merely smiled.

"Interesting." He said. "So can I stay here? I hope Ratchet gets the problem fixed soon, but until then?"

Will thought about it for a moment. An Autobot inside the house. What harm could it make? He nodded.

"Yeah, I'll have to talk with Sarah, but I'm sure she won't say no. Come in."

He stepped out of the way for Ironhide, who went inside. In an instant, his head went from side to side and his gaze wandered all over the place.

"Interesting." He said again. "I've never seen the inside of a house like this."

"What's so special about this house?" Sarah Lennox asked as she became visible. She was carrying the now ten-month old baby girl on her hip and smiled curiously as she inspected the newcomer. Ironhide, who was used to have sensors registering when someone approached him, was startled. It only took him a moment to adjust, though, and he gave her what he hoped was a winning smile.

"I mean, eh, this is a great house!" He said quickly. Sarah didn't know much about the Autobots, and something told him that it wasn't a good idea to tell her the truth. The woman in question kept looking at him with mild interest.

"So, are you a friend of Will's?"

Her husband decided that it was time to step in and went up to her.

"Yeah, exactly. He's a co-worker of mine."

"I can see that." Sarah said.

Ironhide wore a green pair of pants on, which were a little baggy, and a pretty tight black t-shirt. He carried a pilot-jacket in his arm, had a pair of sturdy boots on, and a dog tang hung in a silver chain around his neck. His ruffled hair was in a shade darker than sand and he had a two-day stubble on his cheek. He was muscular, but the posture showed a somewhat laid-back attitude. Brown eyes gave him a balanced look and added an aura of intelligence, and there were some scars on his skin (he thought that it looked cool and added them on impulse. Prime had laughed his aft off when he found out…).

Mrs. Lennox nodded for herself as his appearance was in line with what he told her he was, and then she seemed to realize something.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name."

Ironhide desperately wished he had access to his data bank; what was a normal name here on Earth? He glanced at Will, who mouthed something at him. He decided to give it a shot.

"Stan!" He almost spat out, wide eyed and half-panicked. Realizing how he must have sounded, he relaxed a little and regained his composure. "Stan… er…"

Okay, screw first names; surnames were even worse.

"Newton!" Will shouted. Sarah gave him a puzzled look.

"Stan Newton?" She asked, returning her attention to Ironhide. "I've never heard of you before."

"I'm… not what interesting." Ironhide said with an excusing shrug. "Just another trigger-happy soldier working with William." He decided to charm her away from the subject and recalled some of the Earth movies he had seen to get inspiration. "But I've heard a lot about you, Mrs. Lennox. You should hear how he goes on about you. Sometimes the other guys just want to shove his aft into…"

"Aft?"

Mental punch all across the room.

"I meant… err.. you know..." He said meekly. Sarah raised an eyebrow at him before heading into the kitchen.

"Does anyone want breakfast?" She called out to the men. Will looked at Ironhide.

"You haven't eaten human food, have you?"

Ironhide shook his head.

"Do you know if it… works?"

Another shake.

"Aw, man…" Will groaned, following Sarah. Ironhide stood still, wondering what he had gotten himself into.

The matter of eating seemed to bear no big problems though; as Will and Sarah sat down by the table, Ironhide observed them discreetly. Picking up fork: check. Digging up some food with fork: check. Putting food in mouth: check. He steeled himself for whatever reaction would come to the strange yellow goo (scrambled eggs) that he just had inserted. He almost choked as pure bliss shot from his tongue up to his brain; he had no idea that something could taste so good.Ironhide forgot completely about chewing – he looked down at his plate, took a steady hold of the fork and began shoving.

A faint cough stopped him and he looked across the table, at Sarah. She was staring at him with the teaspoon loaded with mashed meatballs halfway to the baby's mouth. She was – thankfully – also smiling. Although it was disbelieving, it was a smile. He wasn't screwed.

"Oh my, someone's hungry." She said, glancing at Will. Said man mouthed _"Swallow"_ as he held up the coffee cup in front of his face so it would come between him and his wife, pretending to take a sip. Ironhide realized that his mouth was practically wide-open and closed it quickly, swallowing half the plate of eggs he had put in his mouth in one painful gulp that made his eyes water. He coughed roughly and, for the first time, did something on instinct: he pounded himself in the chest with a fist in an attempt to get rid of the pain going down his throat. Sarah quickly got up to her feet and gave him a glass of water, and he took it without questioning. The pressure that now was somewhere between his lungs eased somewhat as he drank. He gave her a thankful look.

"You saved my life."

She placed herself on her chair again with a "There's more if you want." and began feeding Annabelle, who was looking at Ironhide with insanely huge eyes. He picked the fork up again and gave her a dark glare.

"Just because _you_ make it look so easy…" He mumbled towards her. She laughed heartily and clapped her hands at the funny man that had eggs all over his face.


End file.
